And her birthday shall be...

Yesterday the hospital scheduled my C-section for January 15th at noon. So mark your calendars because unless my little darling doesn't cooperate and decides to start the party early, my firstborn's birthday will be January 15th!

It seems really weird to know when my daughter's birthday will be. I had always looked forward to the anticipation of wondering when my baby would show up and the growing excitement of finally being able to know if a son or daughter was being added to our family.  But all my plans... along with all my hopes, dreams, and expectations for how my first child would arrive kind of went out the window after that 20 week ultrasound.  You see, I have wanted to be a mom for FOREVER.  Pretty much as soon as I was big enough to tote a baby around on my hip I've been anxiously wondering when that baby on my hip would be mine. I've spent a lot of time contemplating how I wanted things to go when I had my own munchkins. Then in a matter of about 60 seconds my MD managed to disassemble every last part of my plan for my child's birth. Now, I know that children are experts at disrupting plans and this is what I've signed up for from here on out. At that moment though, everything seemed really unfair. I have 9 other pregnant women in my life that are all due in December and January. None of their plans had been so drastically altered. Why me??? How come I have to be the one to be told my baby has a spinal cord defect and will need surgery shortly after birth? 

How am I supposed to respond to this?

Well initially I responded with a lot of tears. I spent the next two nights bawling my eyes out as I kept thinking of things that were not going to happen. Like how my baby wouldn't be handed to me as soon as she was born so I could just stare at her. Pictures that wouldn't be taken of the people coming to hold her on her first day of life. The first moment when everyone else in the room can leave and it would be just the 3 of us for the first time... Then I started in on all the unknowns of my baby's future and cried even harder.  24 hours earlier I would not have considered the statement, "I'm fairly confident your child will walk." an encouragement and now I was clinging to it with everything I had. I definitely could not go on like this. I didn't think I'd make it to her delivery a sane person.

This year I've been reading a daily devotional book entitled, Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young. One of the days she had written about thankfulness. The very first line was, "Thankfulness takes the sting out of adversity."  I sat and thought about that concept for a long time. Over the years I've memorized Bible verses about being thankful - there are a lot of them! 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  Excuse me??? Thankful was about the last thing in the world I felt like being when we got the news about our baby having a problem. I've always been quick to give thanks in the good times, but I can't say I've been great at doing it when things weren't how I wanted them to be. God would understand, right? Surely He doesn't expect me to have a grateful heart when life is crummy and hard. 

Or does He?

I've been working on trying out this concept when I start to feel anxious about my daughter. Instead of focusing on all that isn't as I want it to be, I'm trying to dwell on all that I have to be thankful for in the midst of this circumstance. I am so thankful that I live in a country where medical technology is available to me. Because of this we were able to find out about our daughter's spina bifida before she arrived and be proactive about a treatment plan. I'm thankful for the doctors we have met along this journey - for their expertise and compassion as they prepare us for what is ahead. I'm thankful for amazing co-workers who constantly ask how my baby girl is and genuinely care about her progress. I'm thankful for my friends and family who immediately jumped in to support Joel and me. Cards, emails, and phone calls to say they were thinking of us and praying for us have truly made me grateful. Let me tell you - going through something difficult lets you see how much you are really loved. Definitely something to be thankful for! My husband is also the source of many things to be thankful for- that could be it's own post! Most of all I am thankful to have a relationship with a God who is always with me and loves me regardless of my attitude at the moment. I have definitely felt Him walking through this with me.

As I take the time to ponder all that is GOOD in this circumstance - I become less anxious and have more hope. I'm gaining a greater understanding for why God wants us to be thankful in all circumstances. He isn't being cruel. He wants what's best for us. This life is going to be full of things that don't go as we envision and cause our hearts to hurt. If we don't have a way to deal with that... well, life is going to be long and miserable. However meeting difficult circumstances head on with thankfulness changes our perspective. God knows that when we are thankful no matter what, we are on the road to having joy no matter what. God also knows this isn't intuitive to us, it is a learned behavior that takes practice! Hence why there are so many verses reminding us to be thankful!

I definitely don't have this thankful thing down completely. I'm sure this journey will give me more opportunities to keep working on it!

Thank you all for being on the journey with us.